kennethholland.com

by Glenn Holland

NASCAR is finally getting it right - the Indy tire debacle is merely a cover. They are experimenting with a format change that will ultimately take all their races down to a 10-lap shootout. Race day schedule would look like this:

6am - Beer concessions open
7am - Gates Open
8am - Morning invocation, playing of country song from one of the following artists (current rota): Trisha Yearwood, Kenny Chesney, Faith Hill, Brooks & Dunn.
8:30am - Monster Truck exhibition
9am - Concert by one of following washed up/poseur modern rock bands (current rota): Three Doors Down, Daughtry, Sammy Hagar, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi.
10am - Morning prayer, beer concession restock
11am - “Best 3-Car Shrine” contest winner announced
12pm - Porta-potty maintenance, beer concession restock
12pm - Country/Pop music concert from one of the following artists (current rota): Trace Adkins, Kelly Clarkson, Alan Jackson, Tanya Tucker.
12:30 - John Deere Tractor Parade
12:50 - Invocation, Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” plays
13:00 - Start engines, flyover
13:05 - Green Flag, 10 lap race
13:07 - Mandatory competition yellow, lap 3, no laps scored during caution
13:30 - Green Flag, lap 4
13:35 - Forecast caution, red flag - inspect tires, clean track, repair SAFER damage - NASCAR leads in safety and through their innovations the best drivers in the world are totally, completely safe.
14:15 - Green Flag
14:20 - Mandatory competition yellow, lap 6, no laps scored during caution
14:30 - Porta-potty maintenance, beer concession restock
14:50 - Green Flag, lap 7
14:55 - Forecast caution, red flag - inspect tires, clean track, repair SAFER damage - NASCAR leads in safety and through their innovations the best drivers in the world are totally, completely safe.
15:20 - Green Flag
15:21 - Forecast caution, red flag - inspect tires, clean track, repair SAFER damage - NASCAR leads in safety and through their innovations the best drivers in the world are totally, completely safe.
15:55 - Green/White/Checkered policy in effect, Green Flag
15:55:31 - Caution - Field Frozen
15:58 - Checkered Flag
16:00 - Burnouts, tributes, fence climb, flag-waving, someone is looking out for us from above, etc.
16:30 - Winner Determined, hopefully same guy who did burnouts
16:10 - Victory Lane ceremony for Designated Winner
16:15 - Fireworks, Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” plays
16:30 - Porta-potty maintenance
16:45 - Track cleanup (Talladega only)
17:00 - Flag take-down ceremony. U.S. Flag north of Mason-Dixon Line, Confederate Flag, south. “God Bless America” by Martina McBride plays north of Mason-Dixon line, except for Indiana (Allstate 400 at the Brickyard) which gets “Small Town” by John Mellencamp. South of M-D, “White Lightning” by George Jones, except for Alabama, which gets “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynard Skynard.
19:00 - Gates close

Look at that, a full day’s race-related activities with only 10 laps!